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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"