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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!