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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.