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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.