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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Iām over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?