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A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.