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Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.