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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
My memory foam has amnesia
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?