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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
This century is already 15% over.
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.