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They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.