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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.