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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.