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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"