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Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.