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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Does the Food Network deliver?
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
I just made you think of an elephant
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.