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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.