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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.