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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.