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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.