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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.