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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.