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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
You look like I need another drink
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species