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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
This post is just for you.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.