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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list