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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.