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It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
is in no shape to exercise
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”