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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.