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There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.