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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........