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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."