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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.