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Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.