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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.