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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.