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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.