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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.