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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.