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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.