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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(