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I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.