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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca`s third dog.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.