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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!