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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.