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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
Walmart needs observation decks.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.