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I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.