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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.