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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars