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I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.