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I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.