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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.