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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.