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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.