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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist