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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.