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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
I hate when Iām comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.