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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.