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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.