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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
I make a great second impression.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)