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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.