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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Being alive is so expensive.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.