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I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.