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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
It needs more cowbell!!
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.