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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.