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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Bacon...need I say more
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?