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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.