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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.