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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.