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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.